THANK YOU SO MUCH.
LET'S GET INTO THE NEWS.
AS YOU KNOW, THE GOVERNMENT ALMOST SHUT DOWN TODAY.
THE STOCK MARKET HAS BEEN VOLATILE.
THEY STILL TO DEAL ON IMMIGRATION.
SO OF COURSE PRESIDENT TRUMP WANTS TO THROW A PARADE.
NO REALLY, A RECENT ARTICLE SAYS THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP IS OBSESSED
WITH GETTING THE PENTAGON TO THROWçó A GRAND MILITARY-STYLE
PARADE IN WASHINGTON D.C.
COMPLETE WITH TANKS AND MISSILES.
YEAH, BECAUSE NOBODY LOVES A PARADE MORE THAN A CLOWN.
I MEAN-- (APPLAUSE)
LIKE PARADES LIKE THIS ARE OFTEN THROWN IN COUNTRIES RULED BY
DICTATORS.
I WOULDN'T SAY TRUMP IS A DICTATOR.
I WOULD LEAVE OFF THE TATOR PART.
THAT IS YUSÑi ME.
(APPLAUSE) THEY SHOULD JUST TRICK TRUMP AND
TELL HIMÑ MILITARY PARADE THIS YEAR ON
THANKSGIVING DAY IN NEW YORK.
SIR, THIS IS OUR STATE OF THE ART SPONGEBOMBER.
IN OTHER NEWS, AN EMBARRASSING TRUMP VIDEO HAS JUST SURFACED.
NO, NOT THAT ONE 6789 WE'RE STILL WAITING ON THAT ONE.
THIS ONE IS OF TRUMP BOARDING AIR FORCE ONE LAST WEEK.
AND WHEN THE WIND PICKED UP, AND IT GAVE US A SURPRISE VIEW OF
HIS SCALP.
TAKE A I'M SO SORRY.
THAT VIDEO SHOULD COME WITH A WARNING SAYING THESE IMAGES WILL
BE DISTURBING FOR YOUNGER VIEWERS.
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IT AGAIN THOUGH.
LOOK AT THAT.
IMHA WAS THAT?
EVEN HIS HAIR HAS BEEN LYING TO US IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S FLYING
WITH AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORTt( ANIMAL.
NO WONDER THIS PRESIDENT HATES THE ENVIRONMENT, THE WIND
HUMILIATES HIM ON A DAILY BASIS.
MOVING ON, THIS IS AN INTERESTING STORY FROM MY
HOMELAND.
LONDON'S NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM HAS UNVEILED A MODEL OF WHAT
THEY BELIEVE THE FIRST 340D EARN BRITISH PERSON LOOKED LIKE
10,000 YEARS AGO.
TAKE A LOOK.
LOOK AT THAT.
I LIKE THAT SMIRK ON HIS FACE, IT'S LIKE HE'S GOING, YOU DIDN'T
THINK I WOULD BE BLACK, DID YOU.
(APPLAUSE) OH, YOU DIDN'T KNOW?
THEY FOUND HIM IN A PLACE CALLED CHEDAR GORGE, AND SCIENTISTS
HAVE NAMED HIM THE CHEDAR MAN.
THEY HAVE.
AND THEY SAY THAT HE'S RELATED TO ONE IN TEN PEOPLE LIVING
ACROSS THE U.K. TODAY.
I'M DEFINITELY RELATED TO THE CHEDDAR MAN.
(LAUGHTER) CUZ I KNOW FOR A FACT, I'M AT
LEAST 20%Ñi CHEESE.
THERE IS NO WAY I'M NOT.
AND THIS IS A CRAZY STORY, LISTEN THIS, THIS IS MAD.
AFTER RESPONDING TO A CALL FROM A FRIELTENNED
FARMER-- FRIGHTENED FARMER POLICE IN SCOTLAND FOUND
THEMSELVES IN A 45 MINUTE STANDOFF WITH A BENGAL TIGER.
THAT IS UNTIL THEY REALIZE, AND THERE IS TRUE, IT WAS ACTUALLY A
STUFFED ANIMAL.
45 MINUTES.
I MEAN THE FIRST HINT IT MIGHT BE FAKE IS WHEN THEY REALIZED ST
WAS A BENGAL TIGER AND THEY WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF SCOTLAND IT WAS
A PRETTY FUNNY SITUATION EXCEPT FOR THE GUY ACROSS TOWN WHO WAS
GETTING MUGGED WHILE THE POLICE WERE MONITORING A CUDDLY TOY.
SnF FINALLY, IN RESPONSE TO A RECENT FAD OF TEENAGERS EATING
TIED PODS-- TIDEÑi PODS NEW YORK STATE LAWMAKERS INTRODUCED A
BILL THIS WEEK THAT WOULD FORCE COMPANIES TO MAKE THEIR
DETERGENT PODS LOOK LESS APPETIZING.
THEY ARE SAYING COMPANIES NEED TO MANUFACTURE DETERGENT
PACKAGES THAT ARE QUOTE A UNIFORM COLOR, NOT ATTRACTIVE TO
CHILDREN, BROWN, FOR EXAMPLE.
YOU KNOW, LIKE PUDDING OR CHOCOLATE CAKE.
LIKE BUT IT IS SO IMPORTANT TO MAKE SURE THAT KIDS ARE SAFE, IN
AN EFFORTjF TO ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE AMERICAN KIDS WON'T
EAT THEM, HERE IS WHAT THE NEW TIDE POSD WILL LOOK LIKE.
NOW I HAVE GOT A SUGGESTION ABOUT THIS TIDE POD THING AND I
KNOW I'M AN OUTSIDER IN THIS COUNTRY.
SO DO TELL ME IF I'M SPEAKING OUT OF TURN.
BUT HOW ABOUT LEGISLATION THAT SAYS THAT PEOPLE HAVE TO, I
DON'T KNOW, WATCH THEIR KIDS.
