- YOU--LET ME THROUGH.

THIS IS BULLSHIT, GENE.

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WAIT. WHAT'S THE MATTER, RICH?

- IN THE NEXT EPISODE

STEVE URKEL TURNS CARL INTO A GIANT SANDWICH

AND ACCIDENTALLY EATS HIM?

- HA-HA, BUT WAIT, THAT'S HILARIOUS, BUDDY.

IT'S HILARIOUS. - COME ON!

I'M AN ACTOR, GENE!

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ME AND MY FAMILY.

- I KNOW, BUT YOU KNOW, AFTER THAT--

AFTER THAT FIRST GUEST SPOT WITH STEVE URKEL,

I MEAN, AMERICA FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM, MAN.

WE HAD TO MAKE HIM A REGULAR, AND NOW, YOU KNOW--

HEY, LISTEN, HE'S THE STAR OF THE SHOW NOW, SWEETHEART.

WE GOTTA PLAY BALL, BUBBELEH.

- DON'T YOU DARE "BUBBELEH" ME, GENE.

NOW, LAST WEEK, STEVE USED HIS TRANSFORMATION MACHINE

TO TURN CARL INTO A CAR

AND DRIVE HIM AROUND THE MONACO GRAND PRIX?

COME ON!

HOW MANY TIMES YOU GONNA USE THIS TRANSFORMATION MACHINE?

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BLUE COLLARCOSBY SHOW.

NOW YOU'RE TURNING IT INTO GODDAMNQUANTUM LEAP.

WHO WRITES THIS SHIT?

- OKAY, I COULDN'T TELL YOU EVEN IF I WANTED TO, OKAY, MAN?

WE GOT, LIKE, 21 WRITERS UP THERE, OKAY?

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, REGINALD?

BUT YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THAT THEY DON'T DECIDE

WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS SHOW, OKAY?

WE BOTH KNOW WHO DECIDES WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SHOW.

- TWO WEEKS AGO STEVE URKEL USED HIS INVISIBILITY RAY ON CARL

AND I WASN'T EVEN IN THE GODDAMN EPISODE.

IT WAS JUST MY VOICE. - YES, I KNOW.

I KNOW, REGINALD. I'M SORRY.

I FUCKING APOLOGIZE. IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

- THEN STEVE USED HIS VOICE-CHANGING RAY TO TURN CARL

INTO A HIGH-PITCHED, NERDY VOICE.

WHO DO YOU THINK PROVIDED THE VOICE FOR THAT?

- DON'T GET TOO FEISTY ON ME NOW, REG.

LET'S NOT GO DOWN THAT PATH, OKAY?

- OH, OH, WE ARE GOING DOWN THAT PATH, GENE.

IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS, HARRIET, EDDIE, LAURA, GRANDMA,

AUNT RACHEL, LITTLE RICHIE, AND THE OTHER LITTLE KID

ARE GONNA GET TELEPORTED TO ANOTHER DIMENSION,

AND THEN STEVE INJECTS CARL WITH HIS OWN DNA,

SO CARL TURNS INTO ANOTHER STEVE URKEL.

THAT'S TWO STEVE URKELS AND NO FAMILY

ON A SHOW CALLEDFAMILY MATTERS.

HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK?

- LISTEN, LISTEN, REGINALD. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.

URKEL MANIA IS UNSTOPPABLE, OKAY?

HE'S A PHENOMENON.

THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT, OKAY?

IT'S UP TO S--

HIM.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

I'M AN ACTOR. I'M A FUCKING ACTOR.

I AM A REAL ACTOR.

I DIDRICHARD III.

I WAS INTRUE WEST■ WITH SHERMAN HEMSLEY.

I WAS INDIEHARD,DAMN IT.

FUCK STEVE URKEL!

- FUCK-- YOU WILL SUCK

STEVE URKEL'S FUCK IF HE WANTS YOU TO!

YOU WILL SUCK HIS FUCKING DICK, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

HE IS OUR BREAD AND BUTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!

I AM HIGH ON COCAINE!

- I'M A FUCKING ACTOR, GENE!

I DONE MORE COCAINE THAN YOU WEIGH, MOTHERFUCKER!

- I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT YOU ARE, REGINALD VELJOHNSON.

YOU'RE A FUCKING PAWN IN THAT NERD'S GAME.

YOU ARE A FUCKING PAWN!

DO YOU THINK I HAVE ANY POWER OVER WHAT THAT MONSTER DOES?

ANY POWER AT ALL?

- AHH!

- I AM THE SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF DEVELOPMENT

FOR THE AMERICAN BRO--

- GENE? GENE?

GENE, WHAT'S BECOME OF YOU, GENE?

- I AM NOTHING.

- GENE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN BY THAT, GENE,

BUT YOU'RE SCARING ME.

OH, NO, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T DO ANYTHING CRAZY, GENE.

EVERYONE DOES TOO MUCH COKE SOMETIMES,

BUT DO THE--JUST, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THE GUN, GENE?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? DON'T--NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WE CAN TALK THIS THROUGH.

OKAY?

- THE KING IS DEAD.

LONG LIVE THE KING.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

- DID I DO THAT?

- JALEEL. - JALEEL?

THERE IS NO JALEEL.

ONLY STEVE.

IT'S ALWAYS BEEN STEVE.

- YIPPIE KI-YAY, MOTHERFUCKER! [gun clicking]

- FORGETTING SOMETHING, CARL?

- DON'T YOU COME NEAR ME.

STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU HEAR?

- COULD HAVE ALL BEEN SO SIMPLE, CARL.

JUST SAY YOUR LINES

AND TAKE THE MONEY.

- YOU'RE A MONSTER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I, I, I, I CAN'T CONTROL--

- AM I DOING THIS?

- NO, NO, NO,

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

STEVE, I'LL DO ANYTHING.

- YOU WILL DO WHAT I WANT ONFAMILY MATTERS.

- YES, YES.

OF COURSE, STEVE.

- SEE YOU ON SET, CARL.

- GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, STEVE!