- Good morning ladies and gentlemen, we are about

to begin boarding South Northern Airlines,

flight 34 to Grand Rapids.

- Okay, excuse me, boarding group one.

I'm gonna board in group one, excuse me,

I'm in boarding group one.

- And we would like to begin pre-boarding with

our first class passengers.

First class passengers only, please.

Next, our business class passengers may now board.

Okay now we would like to welcome our Regal

Alliance Elite members.

Regal Alliance Elite members.

Okay now all passengers with children.

Anyone with small children, you may board now.

Okay we would like to continue boarding

with uniformed military personnel.

- What?

Why can't?

This is, thank you for your service.

Thank you so much for your service, God bless you.

- Thank you for your service.

Thank you for your service.

Alright people in wheelchairs.

Any priests, nuns, rabis, emoks.

- What, why do they get special treatment?

- Assalamualalaikum.

- I've never.

That's typical.

- Any old people in wheelchairs with babies.

(baby crying)

Any old religious people with military babies.

- What's a military?

- Thank you for your service.

Jason Schwartzman.

Anyone with a blue suitcase you may now board.

- Finally.

- Nope, not you, sir.

- Not me?

This is a blue suitcase.

- That's a blue computer bag.

- So you're not gonna let me on then.

Damn it!

Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!

God damn it!

- Anyone who doesn't seem cranky.

Drunk people.

We will now be boarding any drunk people.

Drunk people.

- Nope, it's my bag.

Sir.

It's.

- Oh.

Hello?

Oh, hey Christian.

Yeah, totally.

Well you have your favorites and I have my favorites.

Okay.

Call you later, chow, chow.

Boarding group one.

(dramatic music)

- [Man] Jason Schwartzman!

- [Man] Jason Schwartzman, pick up your hand.

Trying to find you, Jason.

Jason Schwartzman.

- [Man] I got him!

I got Schwartzman here!

Everyone, Jason Schwartzman's fine.

(cheering)

We got Jason Schwartzman, let's rap it up people.

- Boarding group one over here.

Boarding group one.