[ Cheers and applause ]
-I can't believe my State of the Union address is tonight.
And it's completely sold out.
Billions and billions of people will be watching.
Who should I call for my pre-speech pep talk?
I know.
[ Cellphone vibrating ]
-Fake News. This is Kellyanne Conway.
-Kellyanne, it's Donald. -Fake news.
-You can't just say "fake news" for everything.
Unless you're me. I can say it for everything.
Fake news. See? I just said it.
My big speech is tonight.
How fantastic do you think it's gonna be?
-So fantastic. People are already saying
it's one of the greatest speeches ever.
-That's huge. Tell me more.
-Your speech got a 200% on Rotten Tomatoes.
-That's the bigliest percent. What else?
-It won Best Pop Solo Performance at the Grammys.
It made me cry, and I haven't felt an emotion since 1987.
-Sad. [ Beeping ]
I've got to go. I'm getting another call.
Bye, Kellyanne. -Fake ne-w-w-w-ws.
-Congratulations. This is Donald Trump.
-Hello, Donald. Uh, it's, uh, Barack.
I heard you had a big, uh, speech coming up tonight.
I figured I'd give you a call, see how it's goin'.
-It is fantastic. It's going to be the greatest
State of the Uniform speech of all time.
-All right, well, let's hear it. Let's give, uh --
Let's give Barry O. a little taste.
-All right. Hold on. Let me --
Let me just take a drink of water first.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Here goes. So far I have...
"God bless the United Shayshe."
What do you think?
-Uh, honestly, well, uh,
I think it's the most coherent speech you've ever written.
Oh, and, by the way,
I just got my copy of your new book, uh, "Fire and Fury."
So far...
♪ Ba-dah, bah-bah-bah, I'm lovin' it ♪
-Okay. -Oh, and if you're wondering,
a book is --
it's like a bunch of tweets written one after the other.
-Okay, well, in that case, I've written so many books.
I tweet so many big, beautiful books
every night from my bedroom at 3:00 a.m.
Tweeeeet!
Are you gonna watch my speech tonight?
-Oh, no can do, Donny.
Uh, listen.
If I want someone with weird hair
to tell me what's in store for the coming year,
I will call a groundhog.
Anyway, gotta go.
Uh, Michelle and I have date night tonight.
We've DVR'd "The Bachelor." No spoilers.
-That reminds me -- I need to call Melania,
who keeps telling me I'm about to be a bachelor.
I'll use my new iPhone.
I love how it fits in my normal-sized hands.
[ Ringing ] -Hello?
-Uh, hi, Melania. It's me, Donald.
-Not tonight, Donald. I have headache.
-But I just -- But I -- [ Dial tone ]
She must be going through a tunnel.
[ Telephone ringing ]
-Mr. President, you have an urgent phone call
on your emergency line. -Thank you.
Hello?
-Mr. Trump, we're very concerned.
It's been 27 hours since we last spoke.
You've usually called us by now.
-Thank goodness you reminded me.
I'd like one large bucket of chicken
and one large bucket of Diet Coke.
-Okay, so just the usual, then?
-I love you, Colonel Sanders.
-My name is Josh.
-I love you, Colonel Josh Sanders.
God bless you, God bless the United Shayshe,
and God bless Kentucky Fried Shishen.
[ Cheers and applause ]
